Every Superman movie made
Quest For Peace might be terrible, and nonsensical, but it was actually also pretty honourable. There's something sort-of Superman-esque about Christopher Reeve's decision to use the iconic hero to spread a sincere message of peace - he co-wrote the anti-nuclear, arms-race exploring script in a genuine attempt to educate his audience.
Unfortunately, all he managed to do was confuse kids about whether it's possible for ordinary people to breath in space for an extended period of time, but we'll get to that in a moment.
This is supposed to be about Superman Returns, and if you can feel us putting off discussing it, that's because Superman's meant to be an icon of positivity, and Superman Returns brings out our inner Lex Luthor.
It's just awful, guys. It so fundamentally misses the point of the character it feels more like a prequel to My Super Ex Girlfriend, or a Hancock spinoff. Superman would not abandon humanity for a gap (period of several) year(s). He wouldn't then come back from his hols and decide to spend his free time hovering outside his previous partner's house, using his x-ray vision for extra creepy ex-boyfriend vibes.
Then there's Clark's illegitimate kid, which is the weirdest and most unnecessary subplot this side of Tommy Wiseau's relationship with the flower shop dog in The Room. Let's leave aside the sexualisation of Superman (he's never sired a son in the comics, presumably because no-one could bring themselves to draw that), and focus on the fact that it adds absolutely nothing to the main narrative (aside from the bit where Superman's son chucks a piano, which admittedly is pretty awesome).
But piano-throwing and a decent performance from Kevin Spacey as Lex (though he does so much scenery-chewing, we expect he didn't have to eat for weeks after he wrapped) isn't enough to save this interminably long, impossibly boring, and painfully unfunny film.
Superman Returns is easily the worst instalment in the franchise. We've now watched it three times, and we'd rather put Batman & Robin on than suffer through it again.
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